


Star Wars Rebels: Shadows Still Remain

by SpecSeven



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fights, Fluff and Angst, IN SPACE!, kanera - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-09
Updated: 2017-05-09
Packaged: 2018-10-29 18:56:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10860036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpecSeven/pseuds/SpecSeven
Summary: This an edited and updated version of the one-shot previously titled "You've Done Enough". Hera and Kanan confront some difficult truths at the end of season one. This is tough one to read. Angst, sadness, and a tiny bit of fluff.





	Star Wars Rebels: Shadows Still Remain

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place the night of the last episode of season one. The concept here is, as I well know, a hard one to swallow for Kanera fans. But I only reached the conclusion that this might, in fact, be a possibility because I went carefully back through season one looking specifically for answers. I gave it a LOT of thought. And then I went back to over a year later, and gave it a lot MORE thought, and added to it.

Hera's eyes flew open and she sat up, ripped directly out of a deep sleep- the first decent night's sleep she'd gotten since Kanan was captured. She wasn't sure of the exact nature of the noise that had awakened her, but she knew it was loud and disconcerting, and she was instantly furious. The rest of the crew had at least some idea of the misery Kanan had suffered on that Star Destroyer above Mustafar. How dare they make a racket on his first night home?

She leaped out of bed, fully intending to thoroughly punish the culprit with every nasty task the _Ghost_ had to offer, and punched the button to open her cabin door. Stomping into the corridor, she beheld three somber faces and a droid staring back at her.

"Well?" she hissed in a whisper. "Which one of you was it? Chopper, was it you? If you woke Kanan, so help me..."

Sabine exchanged concerned glances with Zeb and Ezra, and shook her head. "It  _was_  Kanan, Hera."

A groan came from Kanan's cabin, shortly followed by a yell. "No! Not him. Not them!"

Hera felt her blood run cold in her veins, and a deep ache of sadness filled her chest. The faces of her crew- her and Kanan's family- each wore similarly pained expressions. Even Chopper drooped a bit.

"All right," Hera whispered, squaring her shoulders. "You all go back to bed. I'll...I'll try to help him."

They did as they were told, shuffling slowly towards their cabins. Hera pressed the button to open Kanan's door, but nothing happened. It was locked.

 _That's odd_ , she thought. Kanan never locked his cabin door at night. He'd told her that, back in the old days after they first met on Gorse, he would always leave it unlocked in the hope that she'd let herself in and join him in his bunk. He would joke that old habits died hard, and besides, he still wanted to give her every opportunity to get to him.

"Every night still wouldn't be enough," he'd murmur, with his lips against her ear cone.

Recalling that sweetness made her heart hurt, given the current state of things. Would Kanan return to his old self, or would he be changed forever? Either way, she wasn't about to let him go through any of it alone.

"Chopper," she whispered, beckoning the droid. "Get over here and unlock this door. And be quiet about it."

Chopper grumbled very softly as he rolled towards her. He unlocked the door as requested and rolled silently away, exhibiting his rare ability for self-control.

Hera slipped into the darkened cabin and went directly to the bunk where Kanan lay sleeping, twisted in the sheets and covered in sweat. As she looked down at him, he began to thrash and moan. Anxious to stop his suffering, she reached out and gently touched his loose hair, and he shot up like he'd been electrocuted. He pushed himself back against the wall of the bunk, staring at Hera with wary eyes.

"Love, are you okay? You were having a nightmare."

The hard glint in his eyes dulled and softened. "I guess I was," he said. His voice was hoarse, and she could see bruises on his arms and bare torso.

"Is there anything I can do? I hate seeing you like this."

He looked away. "You've done enough," he said, in a hard voice. Then, softer, "You saved my life. That's plenty for one day. Thank you."

His "thank you" was formal and brusque, as if he was having a hard time saying it, and he wouldn't meet her eyes. She knew he had been tortured- that's what the Empire did, when they caught you. But this behavior was  _so_  unlike him that she was growing increasingly concerned. He had been very quiet and standoffish with her ever since meeting Ahsoka Tano, formerly Fulcrum, earlier that evening. It was a very significant change from the man on the stolen Imperial transport who had lit up at the sight of her. After Ahsoka revealed herself, Kanan had given Hera a long, hard look that she hadn't been able to read. He had excused himself to shower and rest not long after, barely saying a word to her.

"What's going on, Kanan?" she asked. "Is this just...what they did to you? Or is there something else?"

"What they did to me? Just call it what it is. They tortured me, Hera. So, yes, that's definitely putting me in a bad mood."

She flinched at his words and his cold tone. "I'm sorry. I should have gotten there sooner...I wanted to get there sooner," she finished lamely.

"You should have left me there. You should have done what Fulcrum told you to do. But I'm glad that you didn't." He glanced up at her, and then quickly averted his gaze away again.

Hera didn't immediately answer him, but she moved to sit on the edge of his bunk, as far as from him as she could get. Crowding him without an invitation to do so felt intrusive. She cleared her throat, looking down at her hands as they lay clenched in her lap.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, tentative.

"No. I really don't."

"Okay."

"Hera..."

"I know you, Kanan," she burst out. "I know something else is wrong. Something besides the...torture. Something to do with me." As the words passed her lips, she knew it was true.

Kanan sighed. "No. There's nothing else."

"You're lying.  _Talk to me_ , Kanan. Please."

He raised his head and finally looked fully at her, his blue-green eyes full of exhaustion.

"All right, Hera. I know you won't leave until I tell you, so I'll tell you."

Hera immediately felt that she had overstepped. "I'll leave if you want me-"

"No," Kanan interrupted. "Let's get this over with. I'm not going back to sleep tonight anyway."

"Okay," she said, uncertain. Whatever it was, it didn't sound good.

"You've been a part of this Rebellion for awhile, I'm guessing. How long?" he asked. The hard glint had returned to his eyes.

She immediately realized what he was upset about, and her guilt came crashing down on her like a ton of duracrete. How could she have been so blind? She had gotten so caught up in the thrill of finally joining the larger Rebellion that she had forgotten one very significant detail: she had kept it a secret from Kanan for six long years.

"How long, Hera? Was it before or after we met on Gorse?"

She cringed as she said the word: "Before."

He sucked in a breath. "Before. So you were a part of this all this time. All those years. And you never said a word to me."

"I  _couldn't_  say a word to you, Kanan. The Rebellion...it's too important. It's bigger than any one of us, and I had to protect it. You're a prime target for the Empire. If I had told you, and you were captured...the risk was too great. It was part of the protocol," she said, fighting to keep her voice even.

"The  _protocol_ ," Kanan said, through clenched teeth. "That's what matters, right? The protocol, your orders?"

Hera felt a tiny spark of irritation, but she quickly snuffed it out. Kanan had been through a terrible ordeal, and no doubt his feelings were very raw; she had to remain calm, and try to understand as best she could.

"Kanan, " she said, "You have every right to be angry with me. You  _should_  be angry with me. But I know that, deep down, you must understand why I did what I did. You do, don't you?"

He was silent for a several long moments. When he finally spoke, his voice was softer. "I  _was_  captured. And I couldn't give anything up, because I didn't know anything. So...yes. I see the logic in it. I understand it. But I can't make my heart listen to logic, and I can't make it understand. You  _lied_  to me. For years, Hera." 

The pain in his voice cut her to the bone, and tears burned in her eyes; she closed them for a moment, trying to collect herself.

"I know," she whispered. "I know I lied to you, and I'm so sorry. I didn't want to. There were so many times that I wanted to tell you. But the risk...it was just too great. My mission was to recruit, and not attract attention. I succeeded at one and failed at the other."

"That's right...you  _recruited_  me," he said, the acerbity returning to his voice. "I thought I'd made a friend, and found a partner. I thought I'd found love. But you were just recruiting me. You must have been pretty excited when you met me on Gorse, eh, Hera? Finding a Jedi to recruit to your Rebellion? I'm sure that'll help in getting you promoted to captain now."

Hera could no longer bear the things he was saying, or the tone of his voice; a tear slipped down her cheek. "That's cruel, Kanan. You know that's not how it was."

"You're still lying to me, then. That's exactly how it was. What else have you lied about?"

"Nothing! Yes,  _at first_  I wanted to recruit you. But, Kanan, when I met you, I didn't know that I was going to fall in love with you! You were there, you  _know_  how it went, so how can you say that? I may have initially wanted to recruit you, but you are so much more to me than that, and you know it." Hera wiped roughly at her cheeks, ashamed of her quavering voice.

Kanan's shoulders slumped. "I do know that," he whispered. But the fight had not gone out of him yet. "Did you know about Ahsoka?" he asked quietly.

"I knew her as Fulcrum," Hera replied, unsure of where he was going with the question. "I didn't know her real name."

"Did you know she was a Jedi?"

Hera swallowed. "No. I didn't know for sure."

Kanan's eyes narrowed. "But you suspected, though."

"There was something different about her, that's all I knew. She had the same kind of...I don't know...energy that you do. Once, at a meeting on Garel, her cloak blew open in the wind, and I saw her lightsabers clipped to her belt. But I wasn't positive that's what they were." Hera looked at him sadly, knowing exactly what he was thinking. "But regardless of whether I suspected- or even if I'd known for sure- I couldn't have told you, Kanan. I know how much it means to you to know that someone else survived. I know that you think you could have used her help in training Ezra. But I couldn't tell you. I know you understand why."

He heaved a heavy sigh, looking much older than his 28 years. "I understand why. But it doesn't make my heart ache any less," he told her. "There's one last thing."

Hera waited, holding her breath.

"Did you consider, even for one second, that I might not want to be recruited for your Rebellion? Because I didn't, and I don't, Hera. I really don't." He stared at her from under his dark eyebrows.

Hera had in fact considered this possibility before, on many occasions. She knew about his past, about the tragedy and sorrow he'd experienced. But she had also always assumed that, once Kanan found out about the Rebellion and how large it had grown, he would realize his own importance to it. He was a Jedi, and they were the protectors and peace-bringers in the Galaxy- how could he not become a part of the Rebellion against the horrible evil of the Empire? She could not believe that she was mistaken. He just needed to see it for himself. He just needed some time.

"You're vital to the Rebellion. You and Ezra. We need you. We won't win without you," Hera pleaded.

"You probably won't win with us, either."

"Please, Kanan. Just...just give it some time. You haven't seen anything of this Rebellion yet. I haven't, either. Give it a chance."

He looked sideways at her. "Oh, someone's been keeping you in the dark, too?"

Hera sighed. "I'm sorry. I know that's not good enough, but that's all I have to offer. Please just know that I love you, and that I never wanted to lie to you or hurt you."

"That's all right, Hera. At least I know where I am in the pecking order now: the Rebellion, the  _Ghost_  , Chopper, caf, and  _then_  me." His lips twisted at his own mean joke.

She tried to force a smile and failed. Before she even realized what she was doing, she had reached out and grabbed his hand. He did not pull away. "Please just give it some time, Kanan," she implored him. "Please. You don't have to do it for me. Do it for Ezra. We  _have_  to fight. If not for us, then for them."

He looked at her in the dim light, and she was relieved to see the anger fade completely from his gaze, leaving only weariness and pain. "Okay, Hera. I'll give it a chance. For Ezra. But I'm not promising anything."

She squeezed his hand, and was reassured when he squeezed back.

"I know it's a lot to ask, but I'd really like to sleep in here tonight," she said softly, hopefully.

His eyes were unreadable. "You're right. It's a lot to ask."

Hera's face fell.

"I'm hurt, Hera. Inside and out. And the pain is causing a lot of anger. I understand why you did what you did, but you hurt me pretty badly," he told her.

She nodded. "I know. I'm sorry," she whispered, and moved to get up. He did not release her hand.

"Where are you going?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

She frowned. "What do you mean, where am I going? Didn't you just basically tell me to leave?"

Kanan moved his head slowly from side to side, as if trying to decide. "I don't remember telling you to leave."

He scooted over on the bunk to make room for her, and lifted the sheets. She slid in next to him gratefully, their bodies coming together in old, familiar curves.

He sighed and pressed his lips against her forehead, and then he said, "The truth is, Hera, I'd rather be lying here next to you feeling hurt than not lying next to you at all. I thought of you constantly on that Star Destroyer, but I did it knowing I was never going to see you again."

"But you're here. You're alive."

"And seeing you again," he said. "I'm very happy about seeing you again."

"Does that mean you might be able to forgive me someday?" she murmured, her lips brushing against his neck. The familiar smell of him comforted her.

"I'll be able to forgive you," he said with certainty. "But I'm going to need some time."

"I can do that," she mumbled, voice thick, as the many sleepless nights of Kanan's incarceration finally caught up with her.

He held her as she drifted off. And in her dreams, they all lived in peace, and Kanan was by her side.

**Author's Note:**

> So, if you're not buying this, let me provide my receipts. I was watching "Rebel Resolve" (Season 1- the one immediately after Kanan is captured by the Empire). There's a scene where Sabine, Zeb and Hera are sitting in the cockpit, and Sabine asks Hera if she thinks Kanan will "tell them what he knows about us". Hera says (in very a sad-sounding voice), "He doesn't know anything". Sabine and Zeb look really surprised. Now, it's a fact that Hera's been working for the Rebels since before she even met Kanan (as per "A New Dawn"). They've been together about 6 years by season 1 of SWR. So I got to thinking about that. At first, I was like, "does she really mean Kanan doesn't know ANYTHING?" So I went back through S1 with that question specifically in my mind, looking for clues either way. I found almost nothing to point towards Kanan knowing anything. He does make a speech to Ezra about being "ready to sacrifice for something bigger," but that's really vague. The only good evidence that Kanan might have known is that there's no proof to the contrary. And, understandably, no one wants to think Hera would do that (but remember that she was willing to abandon Kanan when Fulcrum told her to).  
> In the "case for" column, however, there's the following:  
> \- Hera saying Kanan doesn't know anything  
> \- Kanan telling Sabine that he doesn't know who Hera's contacts are (context is Fulcrum specifically), but he trusts them because he trusts her  
> \- The Grand Inquisitor says "Is it possible he really knows nothing of a larger Rebellion?"  
> \- When Kanan meets Bail, Bail calls Kanan "my friend", and Kanan responds by saying he doesn't know him and only met him for a couple of minutes once.  
> \- If Kanan knew about it all along, why does he only decide to throw a tantrum about it at the beginning of season 2? If he had known, he would have been cognizant of the fact that a larger Rebellion means an inevitable war. That was something he didn't want to be a part of. 
> 
> I really always felt that the argument they have in the corridor on Sato's ship was a continuation of a bigger discussion, not the start of one. Kanan's aggravation is directed at Hera, and only Hera, and he's clearly resentful that's she's brought him into this thing he doesn't want to be a part of. The scene felt incomplete, to me -on both sides- which is why I wrote another one-shot called "Path of the Padawan", where Kanan talks all of this over with the one person who can truly understand it, Ahsoka Tano). 
> 
> This made me like them better as a couple, actually. Hera is a fascinating character. She makes a great leader, much like her father...but also like Cham, she's capable of leading at the expense of the people she cares about. She has the balls to do what has to be done. But, because of that, she's not the moral compass of the show. Doing what has to be done often means that a few people suffer for the benefit of everyone, and I think that's where Hera lives. Any good general understands that she might have to sacrifice good soldiers, and/or herself, to win the war.  
> But their relationship isn't perfect, much as we'd like to think otherwise. No relationship is perfect. But it can be good, and still have flaws and pain.


End file.
